Monday, November 15, 2010
How to Get Your Man Back
So you’ve broken up with your man friend and you regret the decision. Whether the break-up was the result of legitimate relationship issues or less legitimate issues like PMS, general moodiness, boredom, depression, bad hair, panic, emotional instability or a combination of all of these things, use my simple five-step strategy to get this man back into your arms.*
*This strategy is in no way proven to work and may in fact result in further loss of pride, dignity, sobriety, driver’s license, hair, clothes, and aforementioned ex-boyfriend.
Step 1: Set the stage for a sexy reunion.
There are several ways to set up a sexy reunion… as long as it appears completely unplanned and non-desperate. For example, you could attend a party of a mutual friend together (“Oh, hey, are you going to that party thing this weekend? Oh, wow, so am I! Maybe we could ride together? Just as friends of course, because of our break-up and stuff.”)
NOTE: Under no uncertain terms are you to bring up the break-up or the fact that it was initiated and/or caused by some of your crazy. This applies to such statements as, “It’s great that we’ve put the break up behind us, isn’t it?” and “I’m glad neither one of us has brought up the break-up tonight. I don’t want to talk about it… do you?” Questions like these will not help you Get Your Man Back.
NOTE #2: Do not to bring a gift or card to the party that takes the liberty of being signed by the both of you. That is both non-casual and desperate and will not help you Get Your Man Back.
If you can’t scrape together a party for a mutual friend (and you’ve tried blackmailing or bribing one of your mutual friends into throwing themselves a party), you can play the Common Interest card. Common Interests include sports, music, movies, or anything involving a crowd and alcohol. (“Oh, hey, did you see that the Dragon Earthquakes are coming to town? No one can go with me and I have an extra ticket. Would you want to go? Just as friends of course, because of our break-up and stuff.”)
NOTE: Weddings do not count as Common Interests. If you find a man that does enjoy attending weddings with you, then he is gay and therefore you need to fall out of love with him immediately.
Another option is asking to stop by to borrow something. (“Hey, I have a Scrabble tournament this weekend and really need to brush up on my game. Can I borrow your Scrabble board? Just as friends of course, because of our break up and stuff.”) When making your request, casually ask if he is free to have a drink so that you can properly thank him for his generosity.
NOTE: Make the borrowed item as innocuous as possible, like his beer cooler or snorkel. Do not borrow something that will remind him of the break-up, like the grill you bought him for his college graduation or the engraved knife set you got him for Christmas. Doing so could be like throwing a grenade on a landmine – flammable and bad for your health. Also, do not borrow something precious to him like his original Atari console or autographed baseball mitt. Since you are not technically his girlfriend anymore, any damage you cause to one of this valued items will go over like a fart in church and will definitely not help you Get Your Man Back.
Step 2: Be as non-girlfriendy as possible.
Remember when you started dating and you suppressed all of your urges to cry at commercials or rifle through his drawers or poison his stupid dog? Well go back to those emotionally barren days and channel the most sane version of yourself. Flirt sparingly and only after he has finished his third beer or cocktail. Laugh at all of his jokes (Yes, all of them) and listen, listen, listen. Suppress the urge to complain about your rude coworker Sally or your latest fight with your mom. He’s heard it all before and it will only serve as a reminder that there were advantages to breaking up after all.
NOTE: Do not reminisce about the “good old days” when you cheered on the home team at the big playoff game or went to Mexico with Schmitty, Potsie and their girlfriends. This will lead to a stroll down memory lane that eventually leads you on a direct death march toward your tragic break up and will not help you Get Your Man Back.
Step 3: Stay sober-ish.
No one is saying you can’t have fun. But no one is saying you should get drunk and dance off your make-up or decide to hit on another guy to make him jealous. Make sure your eyes remain on the prize, tiny dancer.
At some point, approximately between cocktails four and six, you’ll want to give in and just hook up with him, figuring that it will be good enough and may even lead to him begging to have you back. Unfortunately, you will be putting your panties in your purse and driving home in the morning kicking yourself for letting him slip away because:
1. YOU broke up with HIM so he has no reason to do the begging. If you reconcile, he can’t tell his buddies that you stopped over and he ended up begging you to come back, especially after you threw him to the curb. That just ain’t cool.
2. No guy will turn down the chance to keep an ex-girlfriend on the back burner as an occasional saliva swapper. Guys are generally lazy and he will jump at the chance to go home with something familiar and easy.
Step 4: Find a way to end the night at his place.
Oops! You had one drink too many and shouldn’t drive. Double oops! You forgot the snorkel back at his place and need to stop back over and get it. Make sure you have a way back into his love nest, but don’t make it too obvious. Letting him show you a clip of his new favorite TV show is great; letting him show you his penis is not.
Step 5: Stay sober-ish.
I may have already mentioned this one but there is a fine line between fun drunk and drunk drunk. The only time I have tried my How to Get Your Man Back strategy out, I made one fatal mistake and that was drinking vodka like it was water. Everything was going great – I was casual, flirty, non-girlfriendy, and sober-ish – until I got drunk drunk and had to interrupt our reunion kiss and conversation with two hours of volatile vomiting that burst two blood vessels in my eye and bruised my forehead from one too many run-ins with the toilet seat. I drove off the next morning with puke breath, an unsettled stomach, and no hope of a reconciliation. It’s hard to be casual and flirty when your head is stuck in a toilet and you smell and look like the inside of a sewer.
Now, go on out there and make it happen -- you're ready to get your man back!