Having Sex in a Public Restroom

One of the grossest places on earth to have sex has to be the men’s bathroom. Since I would personally never do something like this, my friend, who we’ll call “Pennifer,” has agreed to share her story.

In order to understand how someone ends up having sex in a men’s bathroom, let’s first go into the mind of the lady who agrees to such a thing. (We don’t need to examine the mind of a man because let’s face it, he’ll do it on a toilet in a prison if he had to, let alone a semi-clean public restroom).

A Decision Tree for Having Sex in a Men’s Room 

“Pennifer” and her date were at a hotel at a friend’s wedding reception. She was basically a stranger to 85% of the guest list so she was able to cut loose and enjoy herself, and if the opportunity for bathroom sex arose, she wouldn’t have to worry about her uncle or cousin catching her in the act and then having to avoid them at every family occasion in the future.

During the cocktail and dinner hours, Pennifer enjoyed numerous drinks and cocktails. There is a certain point in Pennifer’s drinking where decisions and judgments become difficult to make quickly and/or accurately. It was at this point that her date came back from the bathroom and said, “Ya wanna go do it in the bathroom?” Before she could even put on her beautiful, but painful, new shoes, she was swept away.

Once inside the secluded handicapped stall, there was no time for second-guessing. She was trapped like a helpless slutty kitten in a tree.

Her date had put far more thought into this than she had and he had already shown her where to stand to avoid being seen by any unexpected visitors. She tried to avoid putting her hands on any surfaces (and also tried to forget that she was in her stocking feet in the men’s bathroom). She hoped her feet would forgive her, or at the least, not contract any diseases.

Pennifer and her date enjoyed three to five minutes of fun before the first visitor stormed into the bathroom. Once he left (without washing his hands!), they resumed where they left off. However, the traffic began to pick up and the law of diminishing returns began to apply, meaning that each time there was an interruption it took a little bit longer to get back into it, which shortened the pleasure of the activity with each passing interruption.

The final blow to their secret tryst was a man we’ll call Paul. While he was peeing, Paul let out the loudest fart in the history of farts. Since Pennifer didn’t have the technology or cognitive ability to capture the audio of this epic fart, here is what it sounded like in the printed word:
BBBAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTtttpppp.

If that wasn’t enough, Paul followed up his epic fart by letting out a long sigh, to signify that he had been holding that fart in for hours and was in pure heaven to finally be setting it free.

Paul not only ruined the mood, he gave Pennifer a chronic case of the giggles. While her and her date clamped their hands over her mouth, she began to reflect on what she had done/was doing. If they got caught having sex in the men’s room, it wouldn’t be Paul’s fart that would go down in history (although it probably should). It would be the couple that did it at the wedding and disgraced the entire event. Grandmothers and crotchety aunts’ tongues would get blisters from the amount of disapproving clucking they would have to do every time they thought of it or it came up in conversation.

Pennifer began to panic and had an overwhelming desire to leave the men’s room immediately. Unfortunately there had been an increase of traffic to the men’s room, making it unlikely that she would be able to leave anytime soon. Her date tried to calm her and dutifully checked for any opportunities to sneak out.

While every uncle and groomsmen took their turns peeing, Pennifer stood in the handicapped stall trying to not think about her dirty feet on the dirty urine-caked floor. She also tried to ignore her date’s request for trying “one more time” without shoving his head into the toilet.

Finally the coast became clear and the couple stealthily made their way back to the reception. Pennifer collected her unattended purse and shoes and tried to walk with her head held high to her car, all the while hoping her panties would un-wedge themselves from her tired ass.